Stories from the note (part 1)
So it's Friday, 14th July 2017. The start of my internship is getting closer. Damn I'm still not ready for that. Tomorrow i'm going to leave my lovely house again and drive to cyberjaya since my company is near cyberjaya. So yeah- wish me luck guys!
Well, as you guys knew from the previous blog that I posted, this is the first as I say a "story" from the note on my phone that has been sitting there for months and that was for this blog but actually I don't have any time to post it on the blog. So I kept it whenever i'm free so yeah- I'm kind of free today so I decided to post the first story or maybe the continuation for the part 2 of " unrequited love " hahahaha. looks like i'm making a novel.
So here it is!
*note that the highlighted writing is recently typed by me.
((Well this is the time when I was already confessed to her after like a month since the first not-really-a-date if i'm not mistaken and she did not gave any answer and i was willing to wait for her answer and saying a lot of nonsense things that I don't want to say because its really cringy and stupid.
So after all the confession happened, I was trying really really hard to make sure she accept me by saying good morning and good night everyday, calling her , sometimes i gave her something like teddy bear, shawls
she never wore it because the pattern of the shawl looked weird etc. I was also having a lot of depression just because of this thing. I was really worried about what is her answer she's going to give me. it's either accepting me or probably rejecting me. I've never been so depressed in my entire life. and waiting for her answer is just really torturing me. this is the time when I was still having so much hopes on her and crying like a little bitch, literally like a little bitch.
and there is this one night that she really asking me a lot of questions to making sure how serious I am to her and then she decided to say this: ))
" Okay, mcm ni, kami akan cuba untuk ((suka)) Fiki. Tapi, kalau kami tak boleh, jangan marah erk?"
I won't mad, i won't get angry, I won't get upset if you can't love me back. But I will try and try and keep on trying. Until you finally like me. (Yeah that's the bullshit me)
But those sentence that you said to me, are you really meant it? Like do you actually trying to like me? What I saw is just nothing. You're still you. You're not even trying.
I always thought that did you actually felt really annoyed by me? Like seriously annoyed by me? I still can't read on what you're actually thinking. I wish I can read your mind that did you really like me or you like someone else. I always thought that you like Nik (This is when the jealousy started to develop inside of me. Which makes the friendship between me and Nik started to get loose).
Because you always talking about him, always calling his name, always relied on him. Like you're actually wanted him to be yours or something. I said that I'm not jealous but the truth is I am really jealous. That level on how jealous I am that it kept on appearing in my dreams. Wherever you're in my dreams, there is always him that appeared. Sometimes i get really fed up by it. It's like a nightmare for me.
I just hoped that the dreams didn't come true. What comes true is when you are with me forever and ever till jannah insyaallah.
(And turns up it didn't come true. HAHAHAHAHA. Well,Allah has better plan)
Ya Allah it's so cringy while reading it.
Well what to do. When you already in love with someone, all kinds of nonsense hopes and promises started to came out of nowhere without realizing the consequences.
I guess this is the end of my post. There is more to come.
A little talk.
back with a new post.
So it's july 12th 2017, Wednesday. It's 5 days left before my internship starts. To be very honest, i'm not ready for my internship. SO NOT READY FOR THAT. It's a different atmosphere, different feelings. kinda new experience. So I have no idea what's to come. So, I just hope that this semester will be going very well.
Today i'm going to have a little talk about last post that I made like 4 or 3 days ago about the continuation of the other post that I posted like 5 months ago if i'm not mistaken? Yeah, I know there is like 5 months gap between the first part and my second part due to hectic schedule and actually the last post that I posted was written like 4 months ago but I didn't manage to publish it because I couldn't manage to finish it due to college thing, so yeah.
I was thinking that I wanted to delete the second part of the post because it has been sitting there for a long time and it isn't worth continuing. But, on the second thought, I decided to continue and posted that part because I just felt like I wanted to and I also treated this blog as a media to actually expressed my feelings and like sharing stories for those who wanted to read it. So, there you have it.
And the posts is based on my experience. I'm the one who experienced this situation and it's a true story. It's not a fiction, it's a true story and it actually happened on last semester so it's kinda new to me and still fresh in my mind.
And I got three other "stories?" to publish and it was actually written on that semester but I was doing it in the notes on my phone because I couldn't managed to publish on the blog so I did it on my phone instead and i'm going to post it on the blog. So more to come. and maybe I'm going to edit a little post-comment on my three stories since that stories was happened months ago so- yeah.
For the next semester I think I might be updating the blog quite frequent if there is nothing to do. I guess? Since it's my internship maybe i'll get some free time to post a new blog? I don't know. We'll see what happens.
I guess that's it. I'll be back later when i'm free. So yeah thank you.
Unrequited love (part 2)
" Well you can try to get her but you have to get ready for what her answers was so that you didn't get so frustrated. And please don't affect your studies. that's all." That's what her friend told me.
and then the conversation ended.
Back in my room, I was laying down on my bed. Looking through the window. Thinking. For a long period of time.
" well, i'm totally hooked up by her. let's try this." My inner self told me.
Well basically we're communicating through whatsapp like there is nothing happened. She didn't even knew that I liked her. (I guess?) well basically we're talking as usual.
Not a lot of people in my class knew that I was having a crush on her. Several people were knew including my roommates, her girl friends, two of my classmates that I trusted, and my mom.
we actually did having a date (well it's not a date actually, she just wanted me to helped her find a new laptop) well we didn't talked much through the outing. I was suggesting the kind of laptop that suited her. Instead, she just smiled like she doesn't know what to do because she doesn't know anything about specs of a laptop. We did bought it at the end.
We did having a lunch at Mac Donald (well she's kind of wanted it by looking at her expression) and I bring her to Mcdonalds for lunch. After we've done having lunch, we just sat for a while and having conversation.. more like knowing each other. After a long period of time, we decided to go back to the hostel.
I send her all the way to the gate of her hostel, I was trying to bid farewell to her but my mind at that time like wanted to know her more and more and more and not going to let her go. But i knew she would just go away. Suddenly, I just didn't know what happened to me at that time, I called her name and said to her the most ridiculous yet cringy things I have ever said.
"HEY, YOU LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL TODAY"
and her reaction? of course she felt all embarassed and replied:
"EIII!! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? IT'S RIDICULOUS!"
and she just straight out going to her hostel.
multiple facepalm kept on coming on my face. I went back, feeling embarassed.
That night, i'm having a chat with her on whatsapp and told me that she doesn't want to get complimented.
Now I know a part of her that I didn't know.
and stories goes all the way to the end... which is not a very good ending...
Unrequited love (part1)
"Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep and strong romantic affection, or may consciously reject it." - Wikipedia.
But the girl that I admired knew that I like her. Well, because I confessed to her.
But she was not rejecting me nor accepting me.
I knew this girl since I'm in semester 1. Although at that time I didn't even knew who she was I just knew her from my classmates since we're on a different class even though we're in the same program which is sheet metal fabrication. In Semester 2, we still didn't knew each other but we did met face to face but as a stranger. In Semester 3, well this one I really knew her from my roommates (turns out to be my best friend) since he was in the same class as her. well actually he was in same class as her since semester 1 but I didn't really into her or something because i didn't knew her, how am I supposed to get into her.
Well it's in the middle of the semester that I started to knew her quite a bit. I can say that she the most shy girl I've ever seen in my whole life. Even when she asked me for help, she would just bring her friends (which is my classmates) and her friends are the one who was talking to me while she just hide behind something or behind her friends back. What I can do is just grinning and just helped her.
Before that, There some of my male classmates that are very interested on her and have already confessed their feelings towards her. Instead, she just rejected them one by one. Even the guys that she rejected claiming that she is a playgirl and always hurting guys feelings. (which is a whole lot of crap).
Well it's nearly the end of the semester 3, she started to talked to me through whatsapp, asking about studies, asking for my help about german, etc. Until, she just talked to me without any reason. So weirdly I just talked to her since I was thinking that she just wanted to be my friends. but that thing changed.
The way she type, the style, the looks of the typing was just looked like she was into you or admired you or like she was interested on you. So me, as the other guy, were hooked by the style of her typing and totally I was the one who was fallen in love with her. We were communicating a lot ( but not everyday) through whatsapp even we're on the semester break.
In semester 4, this semester. The feelings that i had right now is getting worse. I just felt really uncomfortable and uneasy until at some point i can't even concentrate on my studies. It hurts a lot. well yes i actually have a girlfriend before ( spoilers: we broke up) but this girl is seriously made me out of my mind i was just like banging my head on the wall like thousands and millions of time. I did talked to my roommate that was her classmates. He did tried to help me but he seemed like he wanted me to figured it out myself (because my roommates was her closest friends in the class) and for the first time of my entire life, I told my mom about her. The feelings that I had was so uneasy that made me telling my mom about this. This is just insane to me.
Until at some point, I talked to her friend about this and tried to know something about her through her friend. well her friend said, she still doesn't have someone for now, her friend were not sure whether she has crush or not but she has told her friends before that she doesn't want to be in relationship for now. And the thing that I said just now, she rejected the guys that tried to confessed and then they're claiming that she is a playgirl blah, blah, blah. Well I knew that from her friend too.
Well she was also been hurt by someone she loved and the guy that she loved ended up cheating on her. so, she kind of have a trauma about being in relationship and that made her felt cautious about that. But her friend told me that if I wanted to confessed to her or make a move on her, just try it but you have to calm down and accepting on what her answers are. Then, I told her friend about the style of typing on her whatsapp and she told me that that was normal, she did it to other guys. i was quite shocked to be honest. and then her friend said that is why people always misunderstood her intentions. She just wanted to be their friends, not more than that.
Well her friends did told her about the way she type was a bit too (romantic? i'm not sure what word that i can put to describe her way of typing. appealing? ugh let's proceed.) but what her answer was that's the way of her typing and she just want to find friends. well... that made me a lil bit heartbreaking.
The Kamen Rider Guy is Back! (sort of)
It has been a long time since i'm updated the blog
like what? 9 months?
damn... It's so longgg
Well i'm in midterm break right now
got 3 weeks holiday which is longer that I have expected.
But too bad, I received lots of assignments and yeah guess what.
I'm not going anywhere this holiday.
and now there is only one week to go before i'm going back to hostel.
and lots of assignment still left undone.
Well I guess i'm doing fine so far,
but yeah busy with studies and anything,
that is why i'm not updating the blog for this past 9 months,
nothing so special right now other than
I got a girlfriend.
don't wanna mention that.
I just don't want to.
It's kind of a long story.
I was thinking that what will happen to me in future.
no one knows other than the almighty god.
I guess that is all i'm gonna say.
see you on next post?
when i'm free?
Today, as usual. nothing to do besides sitting in front of my laptop.
So. today my final exam result came out and turned out not very good.
Could you believe that?
That's bad for me.
I don't know why. But I think i'm quite angry at myself.
I'm just- speechless.
and the thing that I really hate when people really want to know your pointer.
I know you got good pointer.
The thing is- just shut the hell up.
Don't ask other people how much is their pointer.
I don't know...
I just feel like....
College years is so important.
even though it's not a bad grade.
But I think I can do a lot more than that.
And I don't know why..
I really hate this line...
'It's okay mate. You can do better next time!'
I really hate that line when this kind of situation like right now happened.
and there is one roommate that really really want to know everybody's pointer.
and I really annoys him so much from the first time I knew him.
My roommate: Fiki, how much you got?
Me: Not good mate.
My roommate: Come on tell me how much you got?
Like literally why he wants to know my pointer so much?
So I asked him to tell his pointer first.
My roommate: I got 2.59. Mine is sooo bad. come on seriously tell me yours.
Me: I'm a little bit lower that yours.
My roommate: come on. don't playing with me now. tell me yours.
Me: Okokok. I got 2.47. Happy now? Now i want to go to sleep.
My roommate: My god. hmm.
We ended the conversation with "My god. hmm."
That reaction really pisses me off.
The thing that he talked to me like that- is seriously made me feel so down.
I think i'm done..
I wanna eat some fruits right now...
Nothing interesting today. Just going out with my family.
Visiting my bro's workplace.
Seeing a couple of horses. haha,
It's been a long time!
Well you know what?
I was wondering
What if I will not gonna die for whatever reasons.
and I'm just be immortal..
Some people will say.
"Well that's good bro!
you can see what's happen in the future!
you can see how the world change for the next
hundred years,thousand years or maybe BILLION years!
and bla bla bla"
For me to be honest
yes it's true that you see the future..
you can feel what's the difference between today and the next thousand years.
Have you ever think that you are the only person who is immortal.
How about your love ones?
How about your girlfriend/wife?
How about your family?
Can you live for billion years without a family?
without your soulmate?
find another soulmate?
create a new family?
are you sure you can stand it?
even though you keep on losing someone you love
and find another one?
don't you miss them?
If you don't then you're a liar..
So yeah. i would rather die than being alone.
Living in the future with no one on your side is not cool man.